Glastonbury Festival

This most joyous event occurs in a field at the occasion orv the Summer Solstice. It is frequented by people who reside in tented accommodation whilst roaming about in a casual and hearty manner amongst cows.

The photograph shows the front orv a crowd, who have enjoyed copious amounts orv chloroform and Battenburg opium cake, as they are entertained by Farmer Dooligan's Dancing Ginger Duck Experience.

The Dance Orv Delirium

There is a fashion amongst certain types to engage in a new form orv frivolous dance. It involves the raising orv the knee slowly and lowering it again, which is repeated until a state orv delirium is achieved.

A demonstration lasting several hours was given by Mr Wallace Ballsover (observe above with caution) who is an expert practitioner orv the dance. He is now recouperating with a poultice and a cup orv tea, and may never regain his former self.

"I am exceedingly muntered," he said.

Private Diary

Hello Diary


Ey can hear something squawking. Is it you?

Is it??

Well, DON'T answer me then!!

*HUMPH!!*


GOOD NIGHT DIARY!!!!!!! :(((

Emergency

Today ey unveiled a statue in a town somewhere. Ey must say it was a little windy during my speach.

"My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen...." *pffft,* "it is with great pleasure.." *PPPFFFFFFFFTT.. PPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTT* *PPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTT* *PPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT* *PPPPFFFFFFFFFFFTTTT* *pfft* *PPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT* *PPPFFFTTT* *PPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT*

Many orv the gathered crowd rapidly dispersed or fell over.

"Come *PPPFFFFFT* *PFFT* back!" ey repeated, but to no avail.

A Count's Conversation

Today ey had luncheon with Sir Clive Cullen-Knutt The Count orv Kent, end his wife The Contessa Titiana Cornelica Tottie-Totts. Ey discovered the Count has a condition known as Unmentionables Syndrome which gives him cause to sparodically exclaim obsenities without warning.

Our conversation was periodically punctuated with hearty bellows orv "INCREDIBLY PLEASING ANKLES!!!" end "BIG STARCHED BLOOMERS!!" end other profanities, delivered with a spray orv sponge cake.

The Contessa expressed her delight at being married to a Count. Ey agreed he certainly seemed like one. "COLOSAL CORSETRY!!!" he yelled. Oh dear.

"GET YER BONNET OFF!!!!"

String Theorum

After sixteen years orv dedicated scientific endevour, involving calculus end such-like, Doctor Hezekiah Cake-Trembler end his eminent team have discovered the answer to the eternal question "How long is a piece orv string?"

The answer was due to be revealed to myself end a small selection orv special guests at a ceremony held yesterday in the Palace Grounds (with entertainment provided by monkeys end a wild bear).

However, as the moment orv enlightenment was upon us, ey experienced a sudden end profound epiphany as ey realized there is occasion to retain a portion orv mystery regarding some mysteries. Fuelled by this, ey seized a sabre from Colonel Jiffy Tiff, lifted up my skirts, then resolutely charged toward the string end reduced it to fragments with a cry orv "HUSSARS!!!" at every cut end thrust.

"How long is it NOW?!!! Haa ha HAAAAAAA!!!"

If we were to know how long a piece orv string is, where would it all end?

Victorian Moon

The latest theory with regard to what exactly is inside the moon has been recently furnished by Professor Titan Porcelain-Trotts.

He is orv the belief, end is also orv the opinion, that it contains within it's outer parameters an inside containing a series orv rotating magic cogs with loose walnuts that move upwards end downwards (Tuesdays excepted).

Ey said to him it did not seem very likely end advised him not to mix his laudanum with his absinthe in future, then ey hit him with a stick.

OBVIOUSLY the walnuts would move upwards end downwards on Tuesdays, any fool knows that.

*sigh*

Musical Revolution

Ey was enraptured as ey entertained the entertainment vigorously provided by Mr Marriott's Victorian Small Faces Orchestra performing a collection orv their own compositions. They are travelling musical entertainers who regard themselves as part orv a new movement known as 'The Moderns.'




They also provided an exotic selection orv herbs end tobaccos from Ogden, end some smoking paraphernalia from Calcutta. As the smoke slowly swirled most charmingly in the light with the music to create a quite heady mixture orv violin power chords end chunky riffs on the harmonium, ey stood up to dance end fell into the percussion section instead.

Ey am orv the firm belief that Schubert end Beethoven will never again hold the same appeal they once held for me after experiencing this Modern music. As Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote, 'the Grand Father Clocks they are a changin.'

Private Diary

Good evening Diary,

It was a most sunny afternoon in the Palace Grounds today end all the Ladies were diligently flicking their fans. Ey looked et a little sparrow flying across the sun end took a shot at it *BOOM* but unfortunately missed end hit a badger.

Ey picked up what remained orv it then robustly swung the partial badger above my head.. round end around it went.. producing a cooling emanation orv breeze. Suddenly ey began to run passed the gerraniums end on towards the lake which I leapt into, singing
"EXCELSIOOORRRRR!!!!"


Goodnight.

Exploration

Many orv mey loyal subjects enjoy a jolly good adventure, end one orv the most edacious orv them all is Doctor Leonidas Livingstone-Perambulator (observe above) who is a relative orv Doctor Livingstone ey presume. He is a most zealous patriot end an insaciable explorer, ever willing tew penetrate the deepest darkest geographical regions orv our Empire.






Only last week he returned from a perilous journey tew the North orv England where the heathens reside. Despite suffering frightful hardships, such as depleted supplies orv scones end jam, he captured a Yorkshire Pudding end introduced the pursuits orv decorative embroidery end croquet to civilize the depraved inhabitants.

Since Doctor Livingstone-Perambulator's return, ey have rewarded his remarkable bravery bey awarding him the post orv Her Majesty's Venerable Keeper Orv The Royal Something Or Other Plus A Medal.

A Mouthful

A most beneficious invention for those incumbered bey the loss orv their teeth, to wit, those who don't have a tooth left in their head, has become quite fashionable amongst high society.

Due tew the work orv Doctor Khybur Zerramoth Pith with his Oral Dentalificationary Figurational Mechanism, many Ladies end Gentlemen are experiencing the confidence orv disposition they experienced before their dearly departed teeth departed the tooth department.

Pleasantness is achieved once again for them when pursuing civilized activities leyke taking tea with the Vicar or singing excelsies in the choir or ripping the top orf a bottle o'gin.

To Mey Australian Subjects

Mey Empire encompasses much orv the world, from the Top End to the Bottom End. It is to the Bottom End thet ey will address mey thoughts today, (Australians are nearly all related to Mr Ned Kelly who was not a gentleman). Ey have a message prepared especially for yew all..


G'day mates,

Although yew are bushrangers, ey wish yew success in your endevours orv betterment. Ey sometimes, not very often, try tew imagine yew all having your tucker orv nanas end Lamington end chokkie end bickies before swilling it with an amber near the dingos or up a gum tree in the back orv beyond.

When yew are riding your neddies on the beef road in the arvo with only the gummies tew look at, avoid despondency bey shaving it orf end remember she's apples because yew will never be short of a dunny when yew need one, end rejoice in this!

A good lurk is a lurk done well, so don't be an Alf.


Yew may all rise now.

Unusual

Today ey gave audience tew The Lady Divinity Carractacus Skylamp, who is petitioning on behalf orv The Society Orv Emancipated Psychedelic Victorian Ladies. She is only twenty-one years orv age and yet has campaigned most valiantly end determinedly for her cause, saying thet she wished tew 'turn the people orn end blow their craniums.'

Ey did'nt know what she was tawking about but she had the most extensive supply orv chloroform end laudanum thet mey eyes have ever seen. Ey was suitably impressed bey their effects end found meyself three days later worshipping a squirrel wearing only mey petticoats. "Take orf mey petticoats et once!" ey said to it.

Lady Skylamp has since decided tew persue her cause as an 'underground movement.' Ey said she was quite welcome to persue it in the sewers because there are plenty orv movements down there.

Private Diary

Good evening Diary, how are you tonight?

This morning ey inadvertently fired a canon in the Palace Grounds end blew the gardener's head orf. Ey thought such a sign of weakness was very un-British orv him and ey em inclined to believe thet some people do not posses the robust constitution thet is required orv a British subject these deys. Ey was informed thet he was the Head Gardener, but it was difficult to imagine this when ey looked at him.

A new one hes been delivered end, at the request orv The Prime Minister, he hes been suitably equipped with adequate protection to avoid future displays orv weakness.

Ey cannot understand all this fuss over a little canon ball, end ey em not entirely sure I leyk the wey the new fellow looks at me.

*Humph*

Nighty night Diary x

The Queen's Physician

This is mey trusted physician Professor Pinkie Knut. He comes from a femily orv pig farmers (whatever they are), and is a most voracious advocate of regular and thorough medical exeminations.

Ey cannot imagine how ey would menage without him. It is with gledness in mey heart thet ey look forward tew a 'good seeing tew' from him on Thursdey efternoons.

Private Diary

Hello Diary.

Technology is progressing et a rampent pace these deys, ey can tell yew. Tedey ey saw a demonstration orv an invention bey Sir Gormless Fortitude thet can make a working clarss person suddenly spring into the air! It is called 'electricity,' end is considered to be orv considerable benefit tew the working clarss. Jolly good!!

One orv them hit a chandalier. And another one darnced most extroardinarily right out the window. Ey certainly was amused, ey pissed meyself.

Ssshhh.

Good night Diary :)

Private Diary

Good evening Diary.

Larst night ey tried to fly up the chimney but fell deyn the stairs instead. Mey physician says it must be a touch orv the vapours, but ey blame it on the laudanum ey swigged earlier. Hee hee he dos'nt know abeyt thet.

Ssshhh.

Sweet dreams Diary x

Mey Albert

This is mey husband Albert getting up in the morning, as captured bey a sculptor. Albert would leyk to rise early and walk areyned The Palace like a gibbon until the servants caught him.

Since he passed away, the servants are instructed to push his stetue up end dine the corridors every morning for en hour as a sign orv respect.

Gawd bless him.

Ey Em The Queen

Tew all mey subjects ey send mey warmest greetings. Yew may rise now. Thenk yew.