A Mouthful

A most beneficious invention for those incumbered bey the loss orv their teeth, to wit, those who don't have a tooth left in their head, has become quite fashionable amongst high society.

Due tew the work orv Doctor Khybur Zerramoth Pith with his Oral Dentalificationary Figurational Mechanism, many Ladies end Gentlemen are experiencing the confidence orv disposition they experienced before their dearly departed teeth departed the tooth department.

Pleasantness is achieved once again for them when pursuing civilized activities leyke taking tea with the Vicar or singing excelsies in the choir or ripping the top orf a bottle o'gin.

To Mey Australian Subjects

Mey Empire encompasses much orv the world, from the Top End to the Bottom End. It is to the Bottom End thet ey will address mey thoughts today, (Australians are nearly all related to Mr Ned Kelly who was not a gentleman). Ey have a message prepared especially for yew all..


G'day mates,

Although yew are bushrangers, ey wish yew success in your endevours orv betterment. Ey sometimes, not very often, try tew imagine yew all having your tucker orv nanas end Lamington end chokkie end bickies before swilling it with an amber near the dingos or up a gum tree in the back orv beyond.

When yew are riding your neddies on the beef road in the arvo with only the gummies tew look at, avoid despondency bey shaving it orf end remember she's apples because yew will never be short of a dunny when yew need one, end rejoice in this!

A good lurk is a lurk done well, so don't be an Alf.


Yew may all rise now.

Unusual

Today ey gave audience tew The Lady Divinity Carractacus Skylamp, who is petitioning on behalf orv The Society Orv Emancipated Psychedelic Victorian Ladies. She is only twenty-one years orv age and yet has campaigned most valiantly end determinedly for her cause, saying thet she wished tew 'turn the people orn end blow their craniums.'

Ey did'nt know what she was tawking about but she had the most extensive supply orv chloroform end laudanum thet mey eyes have ever seen. Ey was suitably impressed bey their effects end found meyself three days later worshipping a squirrel wearing only mey petticoats. "Take orf mey petticoats et once!" ey said to it.

Lady Skylamp has since decided tew persue her cause as an 'underground movement.' Ey said she was quite welcome to persue it in the sewers because there are plenty orv movements down there.

Private Diary

Good evening Diary, how are you tonight?

This morning ey inadvertently fired a canon in the Palace Grounds end blew the gardener's head orf. Ey thought such a sign of weakness was very un-British orv him and ey em inclined to believe thet some people do not posses the robust constitution thet is required orv a British subject these deys. Ey was informed thet he was the Head Gardener, but it was difficult to imagine this when ey looked at him.

A new one hes been delivered end, at the request orv The Prime Minister, he hes been suitably equipped with adequate protection to avoid future displays orv weakness.

Ey cannot understand all this fuss over a little canon ball, end ey em not entirely sure I leyk the wey the new fellow looks at me.

*Humph*

Nighty night Diary x

The Queen's Physician

This is mey trusted physician Professor Pinkie Knut. He comes from a femily orv pig farmers (whatever they are), and is a most voracious advocate of regular and thorough medical exeminations.

Ey cannot imagine how ey would menage without him. It is with gledness in mey heart thet ey look forward tew a 'good seeing tew' from him on Thursdey efternoons.

Private Diary

Hello Diary.

Technology is progressing et a rampent pace these deys, ey can tell yew. Tedey ey saw a demonstration orv an invention bey Sir Gormless Fortitude thet can make a working clarss person suddenly spring into the air! It is called 'electricity,' end is considered to be orv considerable benefit tew the working clarss. Jolly good!!

One orv them hit a chandalier. And another one darnced most extroardinarily right out the window. Ey certainly was amused, ey pissed meyself.

Ssshhh.

Good night Diary :)

Private Diary

Good evening Diary.

Larst night ey tried to fly up the chimney but fell deyn the stairs instead. Mey physician says it must be a touch orv the vapours, but ey blame it on the laudanum ey swigged earlier. Hee hee he dos'nt know abeyt thet.

Ssshhh.

Sweet dreams Diary x

Mey Albert

This is mey husband Albert getting up in the morning, as captured bey a sculptor. Albert would leyk to rise early and walk areyned The Palace like a gibbon until the servants caught him.

Since he passed away, the servants are instructed to push his stetue up end dine the corridors every morning for en hour as a sign orv respect.

Gawd bless him.

Ey Em The Queen

Tew all mey subjects ey send mey warmest greetings. Yew may rise now. Thenk yew.